.....

I'm hurting but I will never regret loving. With Mona, I took that chance to love again. Of course we may have our rocky moments but everything is correctable. I know now how much I hurt her. Knowing she shed tears over what I told her was crushing. But then she told me she's pulling back some and basically felt like she ripped my heart out of my chest. I was literally breathless. I didn't cry, but tears automatically fell from my eyes. It's almost as if she was saying "I don't want to love you anymore". Even me, the person that always wants to talk things out and clear things up and solve our problems couldn't speak nor did I want to. I fell in to an automatic depression. She may not realize it because I'm not there physically, but all I do is think of her all the time. Mona is my love, my heart, my world. Even I was mad at myself for reacting to a stupid dream as I did. Let alone have the nerve to ever think to break up over a dream. And I'm sorry, but this isn't the same. One is a dream and a mistake. But this is a conscious decision that she made about us. So when she said "I love you" before we hung up, I was thinking. I didn't hesitate to show my love because I never do. But I was thinking how can you love me but want to pull away. It almost felt like when she broke up with me last year and I fell in to a deep depression. I couldn't do anything once I heard those words from her with such lack of compassion. And then have the nerve to say she's going to act like it never happened when she's doing the exact opposite by wanting to pull away. But of course Mona is mad at me. My mom is mad at me because I didn't clean her car. I lost the will to do anything at that moment those words came from Mona's mouth. I haven't spoke to anyone sense ignoring all twitter, Facebook notifications as well as calls and text. I just want to be left alone. Because without Mona, nothing really matters to me. That may sound sad but it's true. She's what helped me get by on my down days. She's my reason to smile. She's my reason I wake up early at 6:30/7am when I don't have to just to say "good morning". I can make all the complaints in the world on what she doesn't, won't, or can't do. But none of that will ever overcome or even equal a fraction of how much I love her. I'm probably taking this harder than I should but I can't help it. This is my last post of the day. I'm drained and just want to sleep the day away hoping this was all just a dream as well. But unfortunately it's not...and I'm broken...