SUPER PLAYED!!

I know I said I would t be writing on here but I just saw a few pics on fb that pissed me off for just a little bit and then made me laugh historically! Mona SUPER PLAYED me and I can laugh about it! Good for her! She got me good this time! I knew something was always up by the dimension of the pics she sent me lmao. And I called her out on the shit once before and of course she denied it, but I just saw like 8 in a row out of NO WHERE not even thinkin of her and the pics just looked familiar! If she does still read this then I'm sure she knows I don't hate her, but I hate what she did. And a lesson for the next time she decides to play someone for free shit and bullshit and decide to send someone "pics"....here's a hint. Send pics of YOU WITH YOUR FACE in the pic....cause cropping SOMEONE ELSE'S FACE out and saying its YOU is NOT a good idea especially if your "boyfriend" or more so for you "sugar daddy" has Facebook....ALL OF THE PICS YOU SEND OUT (and I mean ALL of them) ARE ON FACEBOOK AND GUESS WHAT?! THE REAL BITCHES FACE IS IN THOSE PICS THAT YOU SAID IS YOUR BODY YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING, LYING, STEALING AND CHEATING FEMALE! Amazing mother, but you were right about one thing that I was in constant denial of...a TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND! Congrats Ramona...you won again.

Disappear?

Sorry but I can't sleep. Mona has been on my mind but I'm beginning to almost hate her. I won't go back on my word of she ever needs me but what was done is beginning to really hit. So many thoughts and words I want to say. And of course she's back to her old self as if nothing happened while I play fake "it's whatever". I don't want to hate her but she seems to make it pretty fucking easy to do so. I didn't delete her completely when I really should. Things will never be the same no matter what. Maybe I need to disappear completely. I'll take a week to think about it. I almost have no choice because she really was and is the love of my life, but now after everything that has happened I feel like everything was a lie and yet again I was not the only one. I'm going to stop before I say way too much and my words get out of hand. I'll see how this long week goes before I make a final decision on wether I become a ghost or not. But from now on IF I choose to talk to another woman. I'll never love or trust any female ever again.

Last blog post

Me and Mona are done. I'm officially broken with nothing left. Betrayed and unloved is where I belong. Depression is my reality and happiness is a dream for fools. She will forever have my heart and never will another. Because is love only gets you hurt and she was right all along. So the first sign I see at happiness then I need to kill it before it kills me again. Good bye

Just a few more hours!!!

Everyone is super excited to see Mona tomorrow! I love her so much and can't wait to finally be with her. But she's lagging terribly on telling me the time she arrives!

Interesting talk and I'm not even mad, shocked or hurt. I actually understand the situation. Wether or not I agree with it is different, but we're good. Now for my dad on the other hand. I am PISSED!!!!!!! -____-

Uncomfortable

Mona has recently had me feeling a little uncomfortable and uneasy. Certain actions or should I say lack of have had me concerned if not scared. I know she said that we needed to talk last night but I was too late. Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep last night and have been up since 4am.

I can't sleep...

1 DAY!!!!

FINALLY!!!! THE LAST DAY UNTIL MONA ARRIVES!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!

Why such anger and attitude? I wanna say something but I won't. I'm staying positive.

What?

Why call me to have an attitude with me for no reason? I haven't done shit but be loving and supportive. I've even been giving an ample amount of space even though I hate it because I'm excited to see the one I live most and so is my family (dad). We've been preparing all for her visit all week and still am. So why am I being treated like I did something wrong. Whatever, I'm going to finish this laundry and do the last of these things to get ready for her visit. Take care of this haircut first.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Woke up with the hugest smile on my face. Had a GREAT dream of Mona and only 2 more days! I am kind of worried about her though because I haven't gotten to speak to her much all week and that does concern me.

2 Days!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT! 2 MORE DAYS UNTIL MONA AND DIEGO GET HERE! EVEN MY DAD IS EXCITED LOL

Today <<<< *sigh*

My dad just hit me with the "now is she really coming...because the last few times you said she was well...nothing happened" and of course I say yes...I know she's not gonna flake or anything this time around...it's called trust....I just want these 3 days to fly by already -_____-

Really??????

Lilian is getting on my nerves with this Serina and Kolton shit. She ain't hit me up since her birthday in Feburary and now she needs me to play driver? Fuck out of her with that bullshit wit her fake ass.

3 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!

So today I'm cleaning carpets for the magnificent Mona Lisa's visit arrival in 3 days. Normally I'd be pissed, but for her I'm actually happy to do it. I also have 2 loads of laundry and my comforter to wash, but I'll so that tomorrow. And Saturday is a last quick go around on bathrooms and the kitchen. And I find funny because she's only coming in here for like 10-15 minutes to say high to my dad and get a tour around the house. Then again she will be back to cook and stuff but that another day. I am a little pissed at myself because I got a text last night and deleted it before I remembered to get the number to give to Mona. The reason I was suppose to save the number and give it to Mona was because it was this girl I was talking to before me and Mona decided to go another round. Her name is Rosa and she wasted TOO MUCH of my time nor can she even stack up to Mona. I mean seriously Rosa was a huge down grade from Mona, but everyone I see compared to Mona doesn't amount. Mona KILLED Rosa in looks. I mean really, no debate what so ever. Mona easily has better conversation. Both are terrible at texting lol but this was the worst problem. When I was talking to Rosa, I always thought of Mona. I could never help it and it sucked. And when I'm talking to Mona, time freezes and she's all that matters. I never stopped loving Mona. Yes, I did TRY to be distant when we broke up and act like I didn't care anymore about her or what she did, but in reality it was killing me because I never stopped loving her. Mona was and is my world. I mean those kids made me happy and I always walk around with a smile but it wasn't the same. I really did miss her every day I wasn't with her. I remember I went on a date one time (this was a 1 time only date because of the following lol) and at dinner we were actually having good conversation and for the first time in a long time I was enjoying myself. And guess who decides to accidentally call this girl I was having fun with Mona....this guy lmao. Needless to say the date was over with an uncomfortable car ride taking her home and not even a "bye". And I believe after she got out the car, if I remember correctly. I had the balls to call Mona and I was ready to confess my love all over again but she didn't answer the phone. I was embarrassed that night and then I wasn't because it was about Mona. This trip means everything to me and basically erases any mistakes or bullshit that has ever happened between us. This is so important to me because this is what I've always wanted from her. This is all I've ever really wanted from her. Because all I want an need is her. 3 short days is when my dreams become reality. If anyone ever decided to ask me why I love her so much and what makes her so different considering I once was engaged. The answer is easy. It's because she knows me for me and the thought of her makes me smile without a care in the world. We never built anything on a physical connection. Yes, we are attracted to one another, but the relationship is not just about "because we have great sex". I lover her personality as cliche as it may sound. Her ability to accept and take responsibility even when she doesn't have to. Her loyalty to family and friends. And want hooked me the most was her impeccable and undying love and dedication as a mother. This is the first woman to ever mesmerize me every way possible and without sex (physically). I may not know everything to do or how to take care of a child but no one does until try have one. And I will have her bare my (our) children. She's the love I make fun of in movies and books that I swore didn't exist, but I was wrong. But times like now, I just wish I could
Make her laugh and smile. It truly does hurt seeing the one your heart belongs to as she is this moment. But Sunday and for an entire week I'm going to do my best to help her forget any negativity. Me, her and Diego! But this 3 days needs to move fast. And speaking fast. You know what not happening fast enough? Me getting on these carpets because I decided to blog and my thoughts ran away with me. Today should be ok. Kolton and Serina probably just chillin today. Von got called in to work. I'm cleaning. And I hope things are looking better for Mona today. It really did suck not talking to her yesterday. Anyways, I need to get started. I'll be back later tonight most likely.

3 Days!

3 Days until Mona arrives! I'm curious what happened today with her especially since I didn't talk to her at all literally today because he was busy with work and stuff. I hope she's ok. I miss her so much but I'll be seeing her sunday. Making the sacrifice and patience all worth it. I'm going to sleep now though because my stomach is killing me from that burger. Anyways, I get to be with the most beautiful woman on this planet in 3 days! I love Mona so much. Good night

4 DAYS!!!!!!!

I'm so happy and so excited about Mona coming this Sunday! And this time there's no flaking like the last times and the feeling is amazing! I love that woman so much! Although it does hurt knowing she not quite herself. I have all the confidence in the world that she will find herself soon enough because she really is that strong of a woman. She's the greatest girlfriend any one can have and I get to she her off to my dad and friends (some friends lol). It does suck that my mom won't be here but I'm sure she'd love Mona and Diego just as much. My dad is really excited to see her but more importantly taste her cooking lol. So far this week has been ok for me. The highlight is counting down the days until I see my love. 4 more days!!!!

Good morning

4 Days!

4 Days until my love gets here! She had a minor family issue like a gangsta but thankfully she's ok and that's all that matters. I love her so much. 4 days! Good night

I bored her to sleep :(

Headache

This headache is killing me. I couldn't sleep all night because of it and it's continuing now. Now I understand what Mona meant when she said she was woken up out of her sleep from a headache. This shit is no good.

5 Days!

5 long/ short days til I see my Mona Lisa & Diego! I love those two and Mona really is more than a blessing in my life. Should sleep good tonight and hopefully wake up with another smile on my face because of her. 5 DAYS!!!!! Good night

Hate thinking sometimes because then thoughts run wild. I make myself my own worst enemy 9 times out of 10. I need to distract myself with positivity.

Do Not Call?

I miss my Mona Lisa. I almost called her like 100 times but I stopped myself. She said she was watching a Avatar: Last Air Bender Marathon with her awesome son and I don't want to interrupt. Plus I feel she needs this time to herself so I'm doing everything I can to make her happy. I just hope she gets her itinerary soon, but that's me being overly anxious as usual. She is always on my mind and I love my baby. She'll call me when she's ready.

6 Days!

Had a dream that pissed me off and woke me up. Not gonna say what it was because I refuse to accept it again. This means too much and basically everything to me! 6 Days until Mona arrives and nothing else!

Hearing her not happy is so painful. I'm not a huge religious person but she's in my prayers because I simply don't know what else to do.

I love her unconditionally and hearing her voice just now as if she was on the verge to just breakdown and cry turned my stomach so hard! Times like this I just wish I could be there for her and just hold her. As much as I would like to hold her while she lets out all the tears, I know that's not in her because she hates showing emotion or looking vulnerable and I can respect that. She's a very strong independent woman that tries to withhold that image no matter what and with no matter whom. Either way that is still what I have grown to love about her even though it can be frustrating at times. But all
I want to do is make her happy. I love her SOOOOOOOOOOOO much! My heart is completely hers. I hope she feels better sometime this week and I'm looking forward to all the fun, love, lust and memories we'll make when she RT's here in 7 days. I just wish I could help somehow.

Feeling helpless

I hurts not being able to help someone you love so much. I just want her to be happy and I feel like I'm failing.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Today looks like its going to be a quiet day for me again. Mona is extremely busy for the second weekend in a row and next weekend she's here. My level of excitement and anticipation is TOO HIGH! I mean it sucks not talking to her as much but I can live with it knowing that it's only 7 days until I see her and her son. Aside from that I watered these damn plants I hate with a passion. After that I cooked breakfast and downloaded Slaughterhouse new Mixtape "On The House" that released today at noon central time, and it is AWESOME (lyrically). Unfortunately that most likely means that their album "Our House" is being pushed back for its THIRD time when it's suppose to release this Tuesday. Oh well for that huh? Anyways, I'm about to get ready and go to the gym. I miss Mona though. It almost sucks that I think of her so much.

7 Days!

Only 7 LONG days until Mona arrives! My mood has been getting better the closer the day comes. A lot less has been getting to me and I think it's because I'm just so anxious to finally have Mona with me. I love her and she makes me so happy. I'm more than thankful for having her in my life. She's my everything. 7 more days! Good night

Can't sleep

I keep waking up because of shitty dreams. I'm trying to think of other shit and it's NOT working. Maybe I need to just stay up for awhile....

Certain things as a boyfriend/ girlfriend you don't want to hear. Whatever though. 8 days left. Good night.

No sex, pure fucking

Well my night got a little better toward the end. I'd prefer if Mona finished with me a lot more but everything is still good. But in almost 9 days (I should say 10 because of my bullshit punishment) I'm going to fuck her whole body up! Feet, legs, pussy, ass, waist, back, arms, neck and face. No sex, pure FUCKING! I plan on destroying her 6 days straight until neither one of us can fuck anymore, if I get to that point. These days need to hurry the fuck up. I have a baby to make and my bitch to break. I love Mona and need her so bad. Good night.

And that fast, everything is ok lol I love her ^__^

Hate that shit

It hat really killed my entire fucking mood. I play around with her damn question as a joke and I hate my calls being purposely ignored. That just irritates me more than anything. I could go on but it only upsets me more I think about it. Fuck it. Good night.

Horny as fuck right now. And because of that, now I'm a little bummed about this fucking penalty. *tear*

10 Days!

Only 10 days until my love arrives! Although she's punishing me on night one because I laughed at a damn picture -___- but I'm still happy none the less. We didn't really talk much at all today. I mean literally, but I was giving her space and she was really busy. I'm slowly learning to understand that she has a lot on her plate and I don't want her to start resenting me because I don't leave her alone or bug her. I want her to love me as much as I love her, that's all. I just want us to be happy especially going in to this trip. I can't wait to see her and Diego. Today was ok but I'm hoping tomorrow will be better seeing how I have to drop my car off for brakes and a few other things. God I love knowing I have such a beautiful girlfriend and see her gorgeous face every morning I wake up on my computer. Good night.

12 Days!

12 days until my Mona Lisa gets here and I hang with Diego. Of course I can't wait to fuck my SEXY bitch's brains out and make this child together! TOO ANXIOUS AND EXCITED! FUCK IM SO LUCKY TO HAVE SUCH A GORGEOUS, HOT GIRLFRIEND! I'm so in love with that woman who is such an intelligent amazing mother with majestic beauty! Going to bed with a smile on my face. Good night.

"Keeping Love True"

"Loyalty, love and honesty is all I have to give. My intentions are always good, but no ones emotions should ever be played with. You can change a persons single being with just 1 lie, 1 action, 1 word, 1 touch and 1 thought. Just do the right thing, love entirely before love is lost. Have faith and be faithful. Because what you do will eventually come back around to you. Good or bad, happy or sad. Make the effort to show your love and keep that love true."_Unknown


Found this online and it hit me so hard. With all the insecurities I have with my relationship with Mona it related. It's hard doing things long distance. It puts things in your head that would never occur if we were together all the time physically. And social networks really don't help much. But I am proud of my Mona Lisa because she's done a lot better (other than ignoring my text and tweets instead lol). But all I've ever done is keep my love true to her. And I pray shes doing the same. I love her with all my heart. She is my reason love and if I ever lost her then I will most likely never love again because I have her whats left of my heart entrusting her to never break it. Without her I would never smile. Feeling a little better than earlier. I'll be going to bed tonight thinking of my amazingly beautiful future wife and soon to be mother of my child(ren) as I always do. Good night

I love Roxy. She always seems to know when I'm down or in a blah kind of mood. I love how that's the main time she comes to me voluntarily and rubs up against me. Although I usually hate it when she licks me, this is the only time I allow it. I can tell she's getting old and I know the day she passes will be the hardest day of my life. Thinking of it now is choking me up.

Not good tonight

My mood feels like blah. I don't know why but I feel like I'm not worth shit. I don't know. Tonight just sucks. Good night

My dream last night >>>>>

Changes change

If all it took was to go back to the old way then I would've done that a long time ago. Still sexually frustrated and a little upset that my wife won't tease the fuck out of me, but it'll be worth it when she gets here. I love her with all my heart. Feeling a lot better. Good night

Night

She feels distant and I hate it. Haven't talked much all week other than the one night I learned new things about her. And she doesn't want me like she used to. I don't like this feeling. It's just a bunch of small stuff that hurts, but I'll deal with it. I already know I won't be speaking to her tomorrow because she'll be busy at her family picnic. So on that note, good night

Yawn, I'm awake

Woke up at 6:30am for NO REASON and can't go back to sleep. It's not helping that I'm HORNY AF and NEED sexual relief or at least teasing and I haven't had that in damn near a week or week and half. And the hard dick I woke with refuses to go down, ugh. I just hope today is good and I have a pleasant weekend. No troubles. No drama. No fighting. No bullshit. Had an ok weekend last time which is still way ether then I've had as of late due to my mood being in a funk. But I've been feeling a little better especially the closer the 26th comes to where I get to see the mesmerizingly fucking gorgeous girlfriend of mine, Mona coming to finally be with me for an entire week. I'll finally be able to hold her petite frame. Kiss her beautiful lips. Look in to her angelic eyes. And OH MY GOD, caress, feel, abuse, and love her UNDENIABLY PERFECT JAW DROPPING SEXY BODY! She WILL have my child, I PROMISE! I love her with all my heart and soul and so lucky and thankful everyday I wake up knowing I have this loyal and beyond beautiful woman as my girlfriend. But dammit, thinking of her really doesn't help me being horny as fuck. Soon as I calm down I think I'll start my day off by going to the gym.

Countdown

I'm too in love wit the most beautiful woman on this earth. These 2 weeks need to move faster. Only 16 more days until the GREATEST WEEK OF MY LIFE!

That hurt.

I need something to cheer me up. I'm in a blah mood.

Not giving up, Just giving in

I woke up today to say good morning to Mona and send out tons of emails. I'm still in the mixed of those but I took a break because something came to mind. I'm super jealous and I hate it. Sometimes I wish I didn't give a fuck like other guys and talk to tons of girls on the side and bullshit but that simply isn't in me. And it doesn't help when I feel like a secret or unappreciated as a boyfriend. I try my hardest but I almost don't know what to do anymore. Now I'm officially at the "fuck it" stage putting whatever I feel aside in order to adjust to somewhat of her liking, but yesterday that ended up coming across as "on her ass". So that's why like I said, today it's all her on wether she wants to speak to me. I always text first, call first, everything first. Am I needy, yes. But so what? Last I checked, a girl would love a boyfriend giving them undivided attention. I would LOVE the same but that's simply not the case. That's kind of why I've been in a blah mood, especially this morning. Maybe i make her too much of a priority, but how do you cut down on what you feel is most important to you? Anyways, back to work.

Chilling out..

I think I'll just let her have the day to herself. She can text or call me when she wants to talk. I'm tired of feeling like I'm bugging her or some type of burden. I just want the 26th to hurry up and get here so I can hold her. 17 more days. I just hope that there's no flaking like before because I don't know if I can handle that again. But I'm not trying to think negative. She's coming and I know it! I love her and she loves me. But I'm still leaving tomorrow up to her wether she wants to speak or not to me. Good night

I Think Too Much

Well I didn't really talk to Mona at all today...literally...she was in a bad mood for whatever reason and was extremely short with me. And now apparently she's either ignoring my calls or sleep. So I said fuck it, good night and I love you. I don't feel like staying frustrated all night cause then i start thinking too much about bullshit so I'm gonna just write for a bit and later get on twitter or something. It really does suck not talking to here even though she said I've been on her ass all day and I looked at my call time and text and really it's damn near NOTHING but whatever. Trying not to let shit get to me even though I've been having some Issues lately. Either way I'm just biting my tongue as much as possible. Shit is what it is and my request get denied so I'm learning to deal with them. Why? Because I'm in love with her, so fuck it. I'm out for now.

Why the attitude?

The fuck did I do? If you don't want shit to do wit me today than just say so. That assholish attitude was uncalled for. Maybe I should just talk to her tomorrow since I'm so fucking terrible today as a boyfriend. Fuck this shit and who gives a fuck about me.

I really don't like how she doesn't respond to me on social networks like I don't exist...That shit is rude and feels sneeky...

I really do hate getting off the phone with her. Especially if I feel like I haven't talked to her much a certain day. But I understand. I still love her. Good night

In a blah mood and my stomach hurts. I'm gonna just lay back down. Ughhh..

If its not a big deal then it shouldn't be a problem. I was just being honest saying it bugs me and makes me uncomfortable.

Eye Opening

I have a new found level of respect and love for Mona. As much as it hurt to know what pain she was truly in, wishing i could take it all away for her. I'm truly blessed to have such an amazing woman by my side. That phone call helped erase all and any negativity I've had all day and helped me understand how I can be better for her. She's much stronger than she gives herself credit for. Tonight really should how beautiful she is inside and out. I'm even more in love than I already was to begin with. It feels amazing going to bed with a smile on my face with her being the reason. Good night.

And what was suppose to be a good or even great has officially been SHIT! Fuck it, Good night.

Didn't know you can be in twitter jail from unfollowing too many people in an hour. Whatever I guess. Anyways, been awake for a couple of hours now. Cooled off some but still in a blah mood.

Who wants what

Mood went from whatever to ok to fucking irritated. I hate it when she does that shit. Never wants to talk about anything when I'm trying to figure out what was wrong with her in the first place. If its over me saying "that's not what I wanted" then I'll let her be upset. Because just last night she told me I should've been more clear on what I really wanted even though I always have been and damn near begging every time. So I made it clear again last night. And today it was forgotten and brushed the hell off. So I was being honest. I was told 2 things of something I've been asking for a pretty long time and it's something I really wanted. So yes, I was disappointed. SORRY! But its also like I wasn't being thankful for what I got neither. I still complimented what was given because it was still great in its own right. Just not what I wanted. So if she wants to be mad about that then fuck it. I have been clear as day. Even with the way I bust my ass for her THINKING I deserve a little extra, I'm obviously wrong. She told me she feels like what she does is never enough but does she ever sit back and realize I feel the exact fucking same with shit! I wake up stupid early to camp for shoes for her. That iPhone was the biggest fucking headache in the world, yet I still haven't had my face time or other PRIVILAGES I was told if be receiving "when I want, all I want" and I remember her getting mad cause I sent it 3 day shipping instead of next day because it really was too much. Sorry if I'm being selfish for once! But there's a difference on giving someone something what they really want and what you feel like doing. Cause I break my back even when I don't want to. Maybe I'm just not meant to et what I really want until 20 days from now when she gets here. I'm gonna chill the fuck out and lay down so by the time she does chose to call I won't be utterly PISSED like I am now and just soak up all the blame as I usually do.

HORNY AS FUCK

Good night

Mona helped pick up my night even though her only known response is "maybe" & "no". I get a "we'll see" but all that is really just another "NO" . But when I give a "maybe" or "we'll see" its always a "YES". I think I'm a pretty great deserving awesome boyfriend, but apparently I'm not. Good night.

It's whatever...

Ehh kinda day

Nothing special about today. Just another day. Nothing bad. Nothing good. Just whatever. It was boring and not boring at the same time.

Change of Pace

Thanx to Mona for helping me get back in to a good mood today, I had a really good relaxing day. She really does make me happy. And we had a great conversation about baby names. Also had a lot of fun with it. I do need to go to the gym tomorrow though since I took a nap and lost track of time today. I'm going to end my night with some DBZ. I hope tomorrow is just as good as today was. I miss my beautiful love already. Good night

Can't Catch a Break

So I'm pissed because I been told Maggie I was going with her and the kids to go see Batman this weekend. She text me last night saying that they're going to the 11:10 showing. As you can see I said "ok" soon as she text me. Come to find out, Von text me saying she just checked in when I've been calling her since 10:20 on when she was ready to go. Now I'm not even interested in the movie anymore and i can careless what people talk about. So apparently I need to stop being so fucking nice and cut down on the shit I do for people. Period. These last few weeks have really been utter shit for me. I just want some bullshit free time. I can't wait until Mona gets here on the 26th. That will probably be the only good week I'll have in months. Leaving the post office now even though I got extremely irritated with this shoe situation but I dropped it. I'm just staying home to myself and watch Dragon Ball Z all weekend and do laundry.

I'm chilling out...not worth being angry when I have do much more to look forward to soon. I love her with all my heart and that's what matters most to me. I'll talk about what was brought up later but it's not of relevance at the moment. I'm home now after an ok night of pool. Daniel was all over Kim and Liah was trying to hound Von but he wasn't taking the passes made toward him. Daniel and Kim were kicking it off nicely though. Only part that was a kick in my ass was when Liah came up to me and asked of I was ok because she said I looked like something was bothering me. I'm not gonna tell her shit so I was like "no, I'm good" and laughed it off, but I was bummed as shit all night because of a dumb issue that got out of hand and ruined attitudes. I really wish I had her undivided attention to where she would answer my calls in case of an emergency or if I needed to talk to someone. Blah...good night

Not even mad about bullshit earlier tonight but now I'm confused as fuck about something else. I hope this isn't a lie and just a misunderstanding.

FUCKING FURIOUS! I SHOULDN'T GET UP TO BUY FUCKING BULLSHIT IN THE MORNING FROM THAT DUMB SHIT!

I don't like that shit.

Birthday Bummer

I'm sad as fuck for my girl Ochie and this all sucks to shit. If she didn't have a bed time, I would go back over there and try to cheer her up. But maybe tomorrow somehow. Thanks to Kolton for photoshopping this Jimi Hendrix tattoo on her that she had me walk up to a stranger today to take a pic of it lol. Hopefully these bring a smile to her face. She's had an enormously tough time this year and I just got a text from her mom saying that Ochie was crying after I left because not one of her family members including her chump of a father called to say happy birthday. And she told Maggie the only thing that kept her smiling through the day was her mom and brought me up. I smiled and tear'd up in sadness at the same time. She was even waiting for her God Father to say something and nothing...when he only lives NEXT DOOR! I love this girl as well as her brother and sisters as if they were my own siblings. So finding this out broke my heart. Maggie said she started crying as well as soon as Ochie let one tear go. She wasn't looking for gifts. Just to be remembered on the one day that belongs to her by birth. She's a beautiful and extremely intelligent girl that has made simple teenage mistakes like everyone else, yet people treat her like the black sheep as if they didn't do the same or worst. And this sucks because she is so fun and caring. No matter if her and her sisters or brother aren't getting along she will defend them no matter what. She always has an open mind and open heart. People need to stop shutting her off and learn how to open the fuck up. Most of these are adults! Fuck! I hate shedding tears but it hurts knowing she feels forgotten by those she loves.

Not going to let dumb shit phase me today. I was in a good mood & took a power nap to let that irritating crap get off my mind. Today is Ochie's 14th birthday as well as yesterday was James 10th. I plan on enjoying the rest of my day negativity free.

Yup.

I hate being mocked. That will instantly irritate me. Like now...

HORNY AS FUCK!!!!!!!! UGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

"Dreams of Dreams"

Found this poem I wrote from just shy of 2 years ago. Just noticed I never posted it.


"What do you dream about?
Do you even have a dream?
I mean really, think clearly about what I'm asking you. Because personally...I dream too much.
I dream at random with one day having a club anthem. Banging in to your ear drums until you can't stand it like a nightmare of being a paraplegic and wake up covered in sweat, panic and frantic.
But that's a DREAM.
Maybe a pipe dream.
Or did my dream burst a pipe?
Seriously. I remember the first time I woke up soaked from thigh to thigh as my mini me...correction....BIG mini me stood high.
I was told it was a wet dream, but I hated that phrase because no water was in it. I used to think a wet dream was when I peed the bed and my dumb ass continue to lie in it. But that's the past.
I dream of a family. My own family. My success as a husband and the privilege to be a father.
I wonder...
Will the woman I'm so deeply in love with bless me with this honor? A heaven sent gift. So I can rub her belly and seal it with a kiss. Sing to my unborn seed with an angelic pitch. Yes I may be in denial with my voice, but in my head Trey Songz ain't got nothin on this!
Thats a dream... Or at least how I dream. I'm told that all dreams eventually come to a reality. Battling the effortless desire howling from my heart to keep dreaming.
So I dream on...
Now...I ask you again.
What do you dream about...."

Finally, a Good Day!

I LOVE THIS GIRL!!! MY MONA LISA!!!




As irritated or upset as I may have been about her wanting to go to sleep on me, I still LOVE this woman to death. She gave me a great surprise today so that really brightened up my mood by TONS. I mean OMFG! She does suck terribly at calling me back though. I mean wow. Lol but she really did a great job at surprising me and making me feel good today. If only everyday could have the same energy (with more talk time though seeing how out of a whole day we spoke for on 77 minutes...that's really low and yes I counted the call time lol). It sucks I forgot to tell her that she really did cheer me up and help me have a good day. I can't wait until the 26th. Just 3 weeks until we're finally together how we're suppose to be. I love my Mona Lisa so much.

Nothing new..

I'm home. Still irritated with a huge ass headache and tired now. Night...

I was going to vent because my mood was sent sideways but instead I'm going for a drive...

Feeling Alone & Lost

Irritated a bit and my mind is all over the place on bullshit. I can't sleep and can't help but complain as if that ever fucking helps. No one wants to talk or listen and the only thing I feel I have left is headaches and love for the girl of my dreams that doesn't quite understand me. Family is getting on my nerves. I want August 26th to hurry up and get here. I'm sexually frustrated out of my fucking mind and every little thing is getting to me as if everyone is pushing a fucking button of mine. Rob is a mean ass who's about to get a Fucking reality check next time he wants to get smart with me on something stupid. Facebook is annoying and twitter pisses me off for numerous reasons. And no I'm not talking about any "flirting" or bullshit remarks. It would just be nice to receive someone undivided attention for once. Im finding it harder and harder to have a GOOD day. A GREAT day is asking for way too much right now. I just want to have a day where nothing can get me down and I feel like that won't happen until I pick up Mona from the airport and I'm sure my mood will be untouchable that whole week. No doubt about it, but right now it's a struggle. I'm doing my best to get by and not let things phase me but FUCK! I feel like I'm losing myself and it scares me. I miss being the overly happy "ha ha let's have fun" Prince. Maybe I'm around Rob too much. Maybe I need to stop over thinking dumb shit. Maybe I need to cut social networks. Or maybe I just reaching for something that will never come. I know no one is perfect, but imperfections can always be worked on. I'm trying, but I feel like no one else is or gives a damn. There's only 2 close to perfect people in my eyes to an extent and that's Mona and my sister Danielle. Anyways, I'm gonna go for a drive until I either run out of gas or clear my mind. We'll see which comes first, but something is telling me gas will be. I'm out.

Greatest Love

I miss my Mona Lisa. My heart skips a beat every time I hear her say "I love you papi". I love knowing that I have such a faithful woman who gave me her heart. Good night

Day Off

My mind has been doing so much thinking with how my moods have been these last 2 weeks and I woke up utterly DRAINED! I'm just gonna do NOTHING today and relax mentally and emotionally. Now I understand what Mona was talking about. Anyways, that's about it for today. No more post until tomorrow.

Over It..seriously

I honestly don't even give a shit anymore about these twitter arguments. I just wanna keep it moving and be happy. Only reason this bullshit is a big deal tonight is because I'm super irritable today and I knew some shit like this would happen. So I'm really just blowing it out of proportion. And I only did that because she brought it up as if I should be mad like I usually do. But in reality I'm just TIRED. I already know she's not going to do anything behind my back. I trust and love her. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT AND HAVEN'T FOR A WHILE AS FAR AS TWITTER GOES. I just want to enjoy my relationship. She knows what's right and wrong. She's grown, mature (unless we're arguing), intelligent and this time around...I truly believe loyal and has given me her heart as I gave her mine. She really is wonderful. She pointed out to me I talk negative about her majority of the time on here. I can now agree that it's true but that's because I don't know anyway else to get out my frustration. I promised myself never to physically fight again off of emotion due to a past issue that almost ruined my life. So I learned how to expressed myself through writing and I don't want to put it on twitter or Facebook. That's why I have this private blog that only 1 person knows about. You have no idea how much I would like to start a fight on the street, but I won't unless it's self defense. And my immediate reaction is always driving in the hills, but I really need to chill on that because I'm high on emotions and speed at the wrong times. I love her so fucking much and then feel bad because I know I read in to certain things that aren't there. Only thing I've been dead on about is how guys flirt. But she's with me, not them. I know this. She's the most gorgeous, caring, gentle, sexy, amazing woman I have ever met (no my mom nor sister count because I don't find them sexy). So from today on, I'm not concerning myself with her twitter. It's really not worth it and it's up to her wether or not to do the right thing. I'm over the being claimed crap. Her family and friends know who I am and what I mean to her. That's all that matters. My mood today has just been on edge from the moment I stepped out my room waking up in the morning to right about now. I'm letting go of my stress on financial issues because I can't just stay mad over issues that are out of my control. And with frustrations at home, I just need Mona there for me. Not mad because my attitude carried in to her and it had nothing to do with her in the first place. She was the one that made me feel best all day until the bullshit we just went through an hour ago. I just need a good laugh and her voice to make me smile. Good night

OVER EXAGGERATION PARTY!!! LET'S ALL GO OFF THE DEEP END!!! YES!!!! I'M LOVING IT!!!!

Hell Yeah!

Awesome day! And woke up to more awesomeness! Love it!

Let it go

Going to play some tennis. Free my mind a bit and remember you can't expect people to think the same way as you do. I should be used to this by now, but for some reason I'm not. Maybe I'm going insane.

Off to a great start this saturday. Have a beautiful day.

Walking On Clouds

Fuck I love that girl. I may act dumb or she may think I'm never satisfied but I just love admiring her beauty. Honestly she is my drug. I'm addicted and can't get enough. I probably sound repetitive in all these post talking about how amazing she is. How her beauty is unmatched. How in love I am with her, but it's all the truth. This is how I feel every morning I wake up. She's on my mind 24/7 and I will never lie to her. She brings me too much happiness to risk ever losing her. I seriously can not wait until I have her in my arms. There are TONS of things I plan on doing to her. Oh my god! My Mona Lisa is my angel and I'll love her with my heart and soul and nothing less. Even if lord forbid we separate. I will state and promise that she will have my heart no matter what. Even if I'm a broken man, I will always answer her calls, respond to her text, welcome every hello, and wipe every tear she may shed as long as I live. I can say this because I know what I want. I've lived life with a lot of experiences, trials and tribulations to know how much of a commitment that is. That is also why I chose her to be the mother of my children and we will share a beautiful life together. She is all I need. She is all I want. There's loving somebody and there's being in love with that special someone. I am in love with Ramona Victoria Salgado and I am not ashamed to say so or ever deny it.

HORNY AF!!!!

I'm horny as fuck and Mona is sleep. I think I'm gonna have some fun with this new pic. Can't wait til 8/26! Good night.

Yea...just a little irritated...but I don't care to explain....laying down

Forget It..

Certain things I need to stop asking for because it just never happens. Maybe I'll be surprised one day. Who knows? But for now, I'm just gonna shut up on special request that I'm basically begging for it seems.

Feeling good

Other than not really talking to Mona today, my day was good. I did get frustrated when she went to bed early on me but I understand if she was really tired. It just sucks cause she's usually so busy during the day we hardly talk and she sucks at responding to my text. So it feels like night time is all I really have. But she'll be going out basically this whole weekend (Friday, Saturday) so I just have to suck it up. I just want August 26th to hurry up and come so I can finally have her in my arms. I did get my 6 ft. iPhone USB cable which is awesome! I think I might order the 10ft. I no longer feel constricted to laying on my arm in one damn spot. I can move freely. So maybe I don't need the 10 ft. cable lol. I finally got my air max's I asked Mona to get me, but do to circumstances she was unable to. I also got Mona the running shoes she wanted (not the exact color though) as well as the big little homie Diego some navy CP3's. Kids shoes in his size are hard to find because he's that size that borderlines infant and toddler. They always sell out first. I only have one HUGE problem that's been popping up a lot lately. I'M OVERLY HORNY AS FUCK! OH MY GOD! I think (if I can remember correctly) I probably jacked off to Mona's text once and pics 4 times today...and I'll most likely get one in before I go to bed lol. I don't know what it is that has me wanting her more than usual (which is already a lot). I'm not sure if it's her full luscious lips. Her picture perfect body. Those flawless eyes. Or the sound of her erotic voice when calling me "papi". I've just been wanting her like crazy and been in the need of more pics or something. But the highlight of the week was this picture.


That made me smile more than anything. I appreciate the thought that Diego wanted to show me this and really feeling the love from my Mona Lisa. Things as simple as this make it all worth it. Diego's not even my son but it feels like he cares. The day I am blessed to share a child with Mona will be the happiest day of my life and I know it. And even in a worst case scenario that we never have children, I will love Diego as if he were my own. Never to replace his real father, but to be there if he ever needed anything. I can honestly say I love Diego & Mona both without ever having physical contact and it's an amazing feeling. I like going to bed happy. It's so much better than going to sleep upset. Good night.

Sigh...

Maybe I'll talk to her sometime this week...let me finish laundry then go to the gym...bummed...good night

Ugh...Move Forward

I feel stupid for sitting in this car crying...but it sucks fucking shit knowing I hurt her...but it was good to hear her voice...I love her so much...now I have to prepare myself to actually go a day without her...Oh yeah, Von's cousin Kolton and his girl Serina (Tiny) come to visit the week before Mona and leave the day she arrives...I forgot to tell her that as well as something else...but now isn't the time...but knowing I'll see her next month (6weeks from now) is exciting and I plan on having nothing with fun with her and Diego...I need to stop thinking of yesterday and look forward to tomorrow (not tomorrow literally but you know what I mean).

Well I know she's not sleeping...she simply rather be on instagram and doesn't want to talk to me...driving it is...peace

Busy

The later it gets, the lonelier I feel and can't help but think. Maybe I'll go for a drive and relax my mind. I've been doing ok and actually had a good day. My dad helped a lot. I'm also glad I didn't get any text or calls about last nights drunk crap that went down. I was debating on going to the gym but I honestly don't have the energy after today's match. So I guess a drive wins. But I think I'll wash it first. That's a good way to keep busy and clear my mind. I think I'll clean my moms too since she lied saying she'll go to a car wash lol. Stupid brain. Stop thinking of her so damn much. I think it's funny how I can hide my heart but not my thoughts. For most people it's the other way around. Oh well, I still refuse to go a day without saying good morning and good night to Mona and letting her know I love her because you never know when that day could be your last.

My dad is awesome

So my dad noticed I wasn't focused as I usually am on the tennis court today and pin pointed exactly what was up with me. He said "last time you were this out of it in the court was when Ardis ate all those god damn pills and nearly killed herself" (in his voice it sounds funny lol). Then he said "did something happen with you and Mona? Ramona? What's her name again" (again, if you knew my dad you'd laugh like I did while correcting him). I said "both were right dad" lol. At the same time he usually doesn't show interest in my personal/ love life, but he's always been curious about Mona. So either he didn't like Ardis (which I believe is part it lol) or he really wants to know about Mona. Anyways, he asked what the problem was but he didn't want too much detail. He told me to round it up in short. He said "I don't need to know all your business". So I told him how I almost overreacted and did something dumb and now she needs time to herself to get over it. His exact words "well that was smart dummy. There's nothing you can do now. Just let her be and keep busy to take your mind off of it." and then for the FIRST TIME! THE FIRST TIME EVER! He asked me "do you love her?". You have to understand my dad is NOT the emotional type what so ever. So hearing this was a big deal. And he cut me off saying "judging by the way you grin when I say her name you obviously do". And he said don't worry about it, you two will be just fine. And it made me think of the first time we knew we loved each other but was scared of saying it and said "I strange feeling you/ I strange feeling you too". That hands down is my favorite memory of Mona and I. So basically I'm going to finally pick my damn mood up. I know what I thought, did and said was wrong. I apologized, but I understand now that just because she accepted my apology doesn't mean she's over it. So I'll be waiting with all smiles for my Mona Lisa. My dad is awesome and knows exactly how to cheer me up. Then after I won the match and took his money (yes we put $50 up) he said he should've waited to talk to me after I lost. But yeah lol, I love my dad. No matter how quiet we both may be with each other. I'm still closer to him than my mom and able to tell him anything.

I'm missing her...bad...

Taking it in..

With the exception of last nights bullshit. I'm continuing to let Mona have her time. Most I said was "goo morning" today. I'm not going to call or text her unless she does so. As much as this sucks and is killing me, I'm backing her and respecting her choice. I'll be waiting patiently for my love to fully come back to me. I still wish I never hurt her in the first place and I will not let such a dumb thing happen again. I love my angel Mona Lisa.

What...the...fuck...I'm stuck in bullshit and I don't feel like explaining it right now....fucking Rob and Maggie are drunk as shit and me and Von got ourselves stuck...I hate babysitting drunk people...Maggie is decent...funny as fuck but cool...Rob is a bitch to deal with though sober so drunk Rob is even worst....UGH!!!

.....

I'm hurting but I will never regret loving. With Mona, I took that chance to love again. Of course we may have our rocky moments but everything is correctable. I know now how much I hurt her. Knowing she shed tears over what I told her was crushing. But then she told me she's pulling back some and basically felt like she ripped my heart out of my chest. I was literally breathless. I didn't cry, but tears automatically fell from my eyes. It's almost as if she was saying "I don't want to love you anymore". Even me, the person that always wants to talk things out and clear things up and solve our problems couldn't speak nor did I want to. I fell in to an automatic depression. She may not realize it because I'm not there physically, but all I do is think of her all the time. Mona is my love, my heart, my world. Even I was mad at myself for reacting to a stupid dream as I did. Let alone have the nerve to ever think to break up over a dream. And I'm sorry, but this isn't the same. One is a dream and a mistake. But this is a conscious decision that she made about us. So when she said "I love you" before we hung up, I was thinking. I didn't hesitate to show my love because I never do. But I was thinking how can you love me but want to pull away. It almost felt like when she broke up with me last year and I fell in to a deep depression. I couldn't do anything once I heard those words from her with such lack of compassion. And then have the nerve to say she's going to act like it never happened when she's doing the exact opposite by wanting to pull away. But of course Mona is mad at me. My mom is mad at me because I didn't clean her car. I lost the will to do anything at that moment those words came from Mona's mouth. I haven't spoke to anyone sense ignoring all twitter, Facebook notifications as well as calls and text. I just want to be left alone. Because without Mona, nothing really matters to me. That may sound sad but it's true. She's what helped me get by on my down days. She's my reason to smile. She's my reason I wake up early at 6:30/7am when I don't have to just to say "good morning". I can make all the complaints in the world on what she doesn't, won't, or can't do. But none of that will ever overcome or even equal a fraction of how much I love her. I'm probably taking this harder than I should but I can't help it. This is my last post of the day. I'm drained and just want to sleep the day away hoping this was all just a dream as well. But unfortunately it's not...and I'm broken...

...........

Broken

I couldn't hold back the tears after that and I couldn't stay on the phone...I just want to be left alone now...I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me

Shitty day

Knowing you made someone you love cry is the worst feeling in the world...

Done for the day..

Wow...worst I've felt in years...I'm trying not to cry but this is reminding me of when my mom refused to talk to me...I love Mona too much to ever want to hurt her...I don't know how much more I could explain it

I hate this...

Feeling Worst

So last night I overreacted to a dream that felt more real than I wanted. I was filled with anger, frustration & disappointment last night and almost did something incredibly stupid like break up with my Mona Lisa. No she didn't cheat, flirt nor was twitter involved in anyway. I just felt pushed aside and hurt as if it wasn't a big deal to her. And what made it worst to escalate forcing me to have a dumb ass attitude when I woke up. It was like she didn't care and acted like everything was normal. So when I talked to her on the phone and she was normal, I was stuck in the dream. I would explain it but I want to tell her first before I go any further in detail. Now I hurt her feelings and my heart dropped to my stomach knowing I did so. I feel terrible. I'm truly and deeply sorry. I love her with all my heart and never want to hurt her.

Picture Perfect

I wish Mona would send me more sexy pics. I honestly don't this she understand how perfect her body is. I've been Doing pic stitches of her all night. As a matter of fact, I couldn't help myself and came to all of them. God how I wish she would spoil me with pics, but recently its all "No's"...

My Mona Lisa, Corny But TRUE

I'm sorry...she didn't deserve that...I just felt pushed aside and I'm sorry...

Bullshit

I'm going for a fucking drive. I was in a shitty mood from a bullshit dream and realized its a fucking dream. Not real. But I was irritated a little today. Feel like the thing on the to do list. Fuck it. Maybe I can catch a speeding ticket or do something stupid for a quick scare to calm me down. I'm out..

I'm a dumb ass

I just realized I FUCKED UP this pic :( its suppose to be RS...not MS...I'm just so use to calling her Mona I forgot her name starts with a damn R...I'm sad now :(

I hate hearing her upset. I wish I was there. There's so much more she deserves. Distance is so hard to deal with when you love someone so deeply as I do Mona.

I'm Happy

I'm blessed to have such an amazing woman for a girlfriend. I'm truly happy right now and a lot of the things that used to anger me really don't as much anymore. I love Mona with my heart and soul. It feels great to go to bed with nothing but smiles and looking forward to a new day with someone you love. She may not be here physically yet but I keep her with me everywhere I go. Good night

I miss my angel Mona Lisa..

ALL IN HER KOOLAID

I got my Koolaid drinks in the mail today from my Mona Lisa! They are "effin" AWESOME! I thank her very much for those because they're hard to find here in L.A. So like I been texting her, I'm gonna be ALL UP IN HER KOOLAID!

Lights, Camera, Action!

So I'm texting my baby and she disappears. So I say "since I have this hard on I'll watch porn" and put on one of my favorite DVDs "Dangerous Curves" (Abella Anderson, Chanel Preston, Rachel Starr, Jenaveve Jolie, Gina Lynn)


and I was getting frustrated watching the Jenavive Jolie scene because I wasn't being turned on. Then my FAVORITE scene on the DVD comes on with Chanel Preston. Nice sexy, rough sex. I mean she is fucking and getting fucked. Mona tells me to show her what I'm watching, so I did. Now she's getting turned on and calls me to confirm that we're making our own porn. I can hardly wait! I will make sure to fuck her brains out and make her fuck mine back. I plan I filling her up with so much cum she'll be hurt and bloated. But the sexy Mona Lisa likes porn now and I think that is fucking hot! Mona did have some words she would like to share lol *yes I did & will have sexual relations with this man* lol

Love & Growth

Resolved...I think we actually settled that nicely...I think we're growing. Normally we would both be at each others necks but it was a really calm situation. I know she loves me. I never doubted that. Now I just need her here with me ASAP.

Depressed...

Broken

I hate how you can love someone so fucking much even though they sit there disrespecting you clear as day making you look like a fucking chump. I wanna let the world know about her so they can be jealous, instead I'm the over jealous one cause no one knows about me because she wants to act single. I may sound pissed but I'm seriously fucking hurt. Like how much more can I really take? It's almost like she enjoys picking at my heart with some of the shit she does. I'm not saying she messaged anyone. Either that or I'm just a fool for believing her. But it's about what was said and how she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong. Just failed to mention that last night when everything was going smooth but get mad at me for something I thought I told her. I know I have nothing to hide and 1,000% dedicated to her, but I don't always feel the same love back. I'm just too hurt...and it sucks.

Too early for bullshit

Bullshit...who the fuck says follow me and I'll message you for a follow...now your flirt for no fucking reason? You set your self up for morning bullshit. And you have the nerve to get mad at me for not doing some shit and supposedly "flirting" wit a fat chick that I continuously make known I have a girlfriend and your over her flirting for a follow you say?....nice. Good fucking morning.

Really...

I knew the day was too good to be true. Fucking bullshit. Good night...

Holy Cunt Cakes Batman!

JESUS MOTHAFUCKIN CHRIST MONA HAS BEEN ON FIRE TODAY! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE WE'VE BEEN SEXUALLY IN SYNC! MIND BLOWING AND I LOVE IT! FUCK I LOVE THAT WOMAN! CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER TO FINALLY HAVE HER HERE!! DAMN I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME AND TALK TO HER TONIGHT!!!!

Good Morning

By the way. As far as me being "left hanging" last night, it was more of a me thing. She didn't know (even though I think she should know automatically lol). I'm low key......I'm sorry. I'm a nymphomaniac. She knows she can turn me on when she wants to. And its not that I'm never satisfied with what I get. I just want her to exceed my expectations and allow me to be more familiar with her body as I let her be with mine. I'm sorry but nudes are great to see and her body is seriously like art (I mean seriously, its the most perfect thing in the world next to her smile). Now I miss my Mona Lisa :( Let me go say good morning to her real quick :) Anyways, good morning.

The smallest things

The smallest things bug the shit out of me. All I want is to be acknowledged publicly rather than feel like a closet kept secret. And on top of that I was left hanging basically, again. Whatever. Oh, and I do not like that Ali guy one bit because he gives me the same vibe as that cunt bag kid. Good night.

Blahhhhh

I don't like whatever talk is going down. It makes me feel uneasy.

My dick is throbbing for some attention!

Hurting..

Lately I've been a little out of it emotionally. I feel like I've been burden more than a boyfriend recently. Either I'm too jealous. Too over protective. Too demanding. Or just too much in general. I don't like knowing that I'm the reason for an argument to breakout and such things as court is mentioned. All I asked for is a few days, at most a week to see Mona. I've been requesting this for over a month now and if you want to take it further, almost 2 years. I've expressed how much I hate being mad at her, but I get a even worst feeling when I know she's upset and I can't find a way to possibly help. I would do anything I could for her no matter what. Even when I resented her the most and utterly broke my heart at one point last summer. If she would've ever chose to ask me for anything I would jump at her command. I can't help that I gave her my heart. This is the only woman I have ever initiated the thought of having children with and have no hesitation or second guessing myself. That says a lot knowing I was once engaged in a 9 year relationship and was still scared of sharing a child. I may sound dumb and in love for not having sex in almost 2 years because I am waiting for her, but who cares. I just wish I could help her. I wish I can hold her in my arms and tell her I would never let anything bad happen to her. I wish I could kiss her on her forehead and tell her no one in the world is allowed to ever question her as a woman and definitely not as a mother. She's too beautiful and amazing to ever have to shed a tear or be moved over false accusations and empty threats. I love how she actually speaks up and stands up for herself. Her independence and dedication as a mother stretches beyond belief to me. She will be the mother to my child/ children. I refuse to ever lose her again and that is a promise! Sometimes I wish I could do more than I can but distance truly is holding me back and it hurts.

Well it looks like last night will be continuing in to today. I said if you can't do something right now then don't worry about it. Instead I get an attitude ridden voice. Whatever, I love her either way and I hate being upset at her so I let it all go last night right before I went to sleep. Today is a new day so I'll keep it moving for now. Last nights issue can be taken care of another day. No big.

Clarification

Now that I'm home after my drive. I need to explain my use of using the word "ducking". It's not that I was being ignored. I was being somewhat dodged. And I mean from the beginning. What was promised to me was said to be done on Friday, but it never was. It felt like it was more procrastinating. Saturday I really didn't say anything because I knew what all was happening that day and I left it be. Most I said was can we do it tomorrow (today, Sunday) and I was told "yes". So when it was brought up this morning when nothing was going on, it was kind of just pushed aside by tv. Now there's just shy of a 8 hour gap of no real communication (which sucks too btw) but I'm sure there was time to do what I asked, but somewhere in between there she was reminded of something important that she needs to help with. That I understand (even though I feel like there's always something that comes up) but I've been aware of the specific situation for a good while. But I was being ducked the whole time before that and that's my issue. If you can't or don't want to do something then just tell me. It's not hard. Everyone has an attitude when they don't get what they want and she's a prime example of that. But something like this I can push slightly to the side. Now I refuse to push stuff aside forever or too long. Same goes with this visit. And I will take the visit issue more seriously due to all of the previous let downs, flakes or excuses. But this almost falls in to the effort issue from before. It's something that could've been done. Now once she got hit with the reminder then we could've easily went back and canceled the order and my attitude would've ne'er existed. Instead I was a "jerk" because of my tone of voice even though nothing was said. Yeah, I know. Wash, rinse and repeat with me. Continue to be mad at me when I didn't do shit. Anyways, fuck what I feel like I been saying. I'm in the wrong, she's in the right & everything has to be her way in her favor and I can shut the fuck up and smile about it. TOTALLY AWESOME AWESOMENESS! :D

Yup, still ducking

I understand the situation but i was still being ducked about it. Thats my issue. I wanna say some shit but I'm not. That phone call was....fuck it. I'm out. Goin for a drive to free my fucking mind.

Hate It..

I hate feeling ignored or to be ducked. Especially when I'm expected to act immediate on when I say I'll do something. Low key in a somewhat sour mood but I just need to remember the more you expect, the more you set yourself up for disappointment. I'm keeping good faith still, but I can only stay positive for so long.

Anxiously waiting for good news..

Happy Saturday

Had an ok night last night. Unfortunately my Mona Lisa was upset, but today she should have a nice relaxing day. I just want her to enjoy herself and forget about any stress she may have had recently. And because i love her, I just want her to be happy. Today is also Christian's daughter's birthday party which I am not attending. Nothing against Christian at all, but he set up a terrible environment in which not even his own brothers nor dad is showing up. But in any case I hope him and his daughter have a great (hopefully drama free) day. I'm currently chilling at home thinking of Mona (yes I know, I'm a sap when it comes to her) and watching RIO. Enjoy your Saturday.

She gives me the greatest feeling in the universe!

I think I'm gonna just be to myself today. Not in the mood to go to a movie nor has Mags hit me up and Mona I guess is avoiding me. Whatever, I'm just gonna chill. I'm going to Taco Bell and call it a wrap until I hit the gym tonight around 9 or 10. So far the highlight of my day has been the new Xbox Live app for iPhone. It's dope because it allows me to control my Xbox from my phone. Anyways, let me put my moms tags on her car and be out for now.

*Dirty Mind*

The way my imagination races when I think of Mona and the things I want her to do makes me shiver. When I think of our intimate moments, I get this incredible chill down my spine as I...."explode". I imagine her in so many different role play outfits and scenarios. School girl, baby sitter, nurse, dominatrix, I think of it all with her. She is hands down not only the best looking girlfriend I I ever had, but also one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the chance to know. The things she does to me mentally I'm sure pails in comparison to the things she can do physically. I NEED HER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July! I'd prefer to put up a pic of an American flag wrapped around Mona perfect nude body with a sexy pair of heels on...OMG! *drools* but this is the best I can do. And if anyone is playing with fireworks. Please use them responsibly and enjoy your Holiday!

Straight up!

Sex...less

Incredibly horny and sexually frustrated and I'm running out of options. Porn is kinda "ehh" right now ever since....yeah (I'm going to leave it at that, but Mona is WAY better than any porn/pornstar). Mona is always busy, so I'm left hanging. I refuse to cheat and look for pussy else where. This long distance is a killer without any sexual interactions. Before I used to HATE being teased in a text or anything, but now I'll fucking die for it! Unfortunatley I'm asking too much sometimes I guess. I don't know. On the bright side Mona will have a decision for me on when she's coming to visit. But I also refuse any flaking this time. I've done my part on leaving her twitter alone and all that mess. But I'm not sure what will happen if she doesn't come. I'll be beyond heart broken and mad. Anyways, I'm going for a drive (if you can't tell, whenever I have stuff on my mind I drive). Good night.

New day...keeping it moving...it's the first of the month...enjoy it

Deleted any mentions of Mona I made to her on Twitter...hope that helps keeps her business offline.

Fucking Bullshit

I didn't do shit and I allowed everyone to say whatever they wanted to say and do what they wanted to do and I'm in the wrong. Mona & Christian want to get in to it and Chris blowin up my text trying to compare my situation to his in which he is WAY off. And Mona gets mad at me because I didn't want to talk about the "claiming" situation in which I have already spoke of before. Do I feel like she claims me via social network and lets people know I'm her bf...NO...and I've made that opinion VERY CLEAR. At the same time, I wasn't trying to get in to it and all I was saying was that she was proving their point by deleting it. It could have simply been left as is and there would have never been an issue. We all have our ego's. Mona has hers with wanting to get her way. I have mine with wanting to be publicly acknowledged as her boyfriend. Chris has his by thinking he's always right. Everyone needs theirs fed from time to time. And like I said in my previous post. I have nothing to hide and thats why I have no problem saying things outside of my privacy such as I love you to Mona on twitter. Does it hurt that I don't receive the same love back? YES, but I try to just let it go. Anyways, Everyones pissed at me basically because I did nothing. I didn't jump in and say "Mona, stop. Thats my friend. talk to him respectfully." No because he asked who she was and acted like he didn't wanna know anymore. And now Mona's mad at me because I didn't want to get in to that topic of conversation and when she forced it out of me it was the same thing I've always said and I tried to make it clear I'm not trying to get in to that tonight! Anyways, fuck me again. Its amazing how I can have such a wonderful day yesterday on cloud fucking 9 then turn to shit in less than 24 hours and I didn't even do shit. Maybe I should just act single online like Mona does and think I'm always right and be overly hard headed like Chris & Robert. Then maybe I can somehow please the entire world in one fucking stroke! Drinks on me! Lets get high! Everyone is mad! Fuck my life! OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK! Going for a drive...maybe I'll succeed at killing myself this time around. I'm Out...

Hide Nothing

So Mona told me "every guy has something to hide". Normally that would be true because most guys aren't 100% honest. Me on the other hand, I can careless. Whats in the dark always comes to light. I've learned that lesson before. Thats why i have no reason to hide anything. I told her she can go through my twitter, facebook, both of my computers & my phone whenever she likes. I know when I'm doing something wrong. So if I ever feel the need to have to lie to Mona then it's basically done. I don't do messages or DM's. I tell people to hit me on my TL or news feed. Only person I've ever had DM's with is Mona, Von & Kolton (we share PPV links via DM because if they're on the TL for so long they get shut down) and as soon as thats done it is deleted. But if you don't trust things that have been deleted then I can simply not delete anything. I gave Mona my passwords to feel free to go on my FB or Twitter whenever her little heart desires. lol I love her and that is true 110%. So yes, I agree with her when she says guys always have something to hide, but thats only when they're doing something wrong.

My Motto

I just wanna know when she's going to be here...

AMAZING DAY!

I'm feeling fucking great today! Me and Mona have been on the same page all day and it's been amazing! There's nothing at all that can kill my mood today! I love that woman so damn much. Come to find out, she has a vendetta against Abella Anderson which sucks because she became my favorite due to all the similarities I found in her to Mona. Either way, she can never compare to my Mona Lisa. I have such a loving, amazingly beautiful & incredibly sexy girlfriend and future wife ever! I can not wait until I have her in my arms soon! I couldn't imagine myself dating or loving anyone else at this very moment. I am too happy right now!

Dear Mona..

Adrenalin Rush

Well I went for my usual reckless drive in the Hollywood hills to clear my mind. Instead I had the second scariest moment of my life and a hell of an adrenalin rush. My dumb ass forgot I don't have the Z anymore so when I took a specific turn expecting the front to hold and the rear to slightly tail whip my FRONT WHEEL DRIVE CAR love tapped the "safety" railing on the edge...to be honest...I shouldn't be able to make this post. I've drove those hills at night a thousand times knowing there's no lights and the speed limit is 25 (I won't say how fast I was going but know that you should never even be close to what I do up there) but I handle it extremely well. It's just my mind was so focused on Mona. The way she stays on my mind is dangerous. Either I need to find a new venting spot, or just chill the fuck out and go to bed. Anyways, a couple pics I took while I was at the top right after I almost killed myself.

FUCK!

FUCK ME! FUCK MY RESPECT IN A RELATIONSHIP! FUCK MY APOLOGIES! FUCK ME FOR GIVING A DAMN! FUCK LOVE! HAVE A FUCKING GOOD NIGHT! I'LL BE THE FUCKING ASSHOLE LAYING DOWN AFTER TRYING TO HELP MY GIRLFRIEND UNDERSTAND WHEN A MOTHERFUCKER IS FLIRTING AND WHY I DON'T LIKE NOT BEING MENTIONED WHEN IT HAPPENS FEELING LIKE SHIT BECAUSE EVEN AFTER I APOLOGIZE FOR OVER DOING THE ARGUMENT IM THE FUCKING BAD GUY THAT CARES TOO MUCH AND NEED SPACE FROM! FUCK MY LIFE PERIOD!

I know I over react on a lot of things. But one thing I hate most is being the reason she cries. I love her too much to ever want that. And the fact that she feels the need to get away from me hurts even more. I really need to control myself when it comes to her. I'll never lay hands on a woman period, but words can do just as much damage. I'm sorry. I truly am sorry.

Try

No one is saying I quit (at least I'm not). And I am NOT saying everything she does is "wrong". All I'm asking for is a little more effort. Try for me at least half as much as I try for you. I love her with all my heart and can never take away from her beauty & physical perfection. I just want to actually feel like I'm her boyfriend. Stop a guy in their tracks from time to time by letting them know that I'm her man. Let a overly flirtatious asshole know I'm the one she loves. I don't feel I'm asking for much as far as a relationship goes. Just respect as her boyfriend and visits from time to time.

Wimbledon Wows

#100 Rosol beats #2 Nadal in 2nd round of Wimbledon! Amazing match! Finally something was able to take my mind off of my personal bullshit!

What's the Point

I feel like all I've been doing is complaining and being angry. Maybe I expected too much to change or be different. And if that's the case the what's the point. All I'm asking for is to have a real relationship with someone I truly care for and love, but at times (not all the time) it feels like pretend. Anyways, woke up in a sour ass mood again. I feel like fuckin Oscar the grouch.

And of course, even when I'm mad I still say "night" (good night) and will continue to say "morning" (good morning). But either way. My issues won't change because it's a big deal to me. The highlight of my day was when Mona was actually able to say she was jealous of a bitch that really doesn't match up to her. At least I know she's human and somewhat cares. Anyways, I'm going to sleep pissed and I hate doing that so that only ha my attitude worst on top of her not even saying a word after I told her why I had an attitude when she asked me. Fuck it. Good night.

Relationship?

I'm either the undercover boyfriend or the exclusive friend...either way, I'm not liking it and getting fed up with the continuing disrespect as a so called "boyfriend"...the more I think of the shit, the more pissed I get...and the gym didn't help take my mind off of shit...I'm going for a drive.

Done for the night

I'm done being horny...fuck intimacy....and fuck how I feel about anything...yes really

Yes really

Seriously gonna diss me like that. Fuck it. Maybe if I was...nevermind...just gonna get more pissed.

Kind of in a sour mood to where it feels like everything people says to me sounds like an attitude. I think I'm just gonna be to myself today. I read text and tweets and they sound like smart ass comments or remarks. I think I'm just sexually frustrated most likely but extremely irritable none the less. Fuck it.

Whatever I Guess

I guess I'm in the wrong for apparently still having a picture of someone i spoke to MONTHS before me and Mona started speaking again. First of all, I only had the picture still because my mom is in it. No other reasons what so ever. And she clearly has nothing on Mona. But apparently this is different from her telling me how she wanted to fuck her ex/ baby daddy 5 months ago and telling me because "he's hot". She tried to flip it on me like "you thought Ardis was hot" etc. But she doesn't quite understand my way of thinking. Once I stop talking to anyone, their looks matter nothing to me. And no matter how sexually frustrated I am, I don't think of a damn ex. Whatever though, I'm the reason her mood was killed, yet she did the same when she said her bullshit to me. I didn't get off the phone but whatever. I'm the bad guy. Fuck it. Looks like every ones mood is killed tonight. On some bullshit...

Errr

Horny as fuck and Mona isn't helping me because she's too busy leaving me hanging. Blah.

Ugh..

Having a random feeling...not liking it all...blah

Wake Up!

So I'm up early as bat shit on Robin's chest (think about it lol). I'm about to head out with Rob to go pick up Mags & the kids in San Diego. Unfortunately I didn't get much sleep because I had like 2 more shitty dreams, but I decided to not let that salvage my mood for a beautiful new day. As far as that thing I was gonna sleep on and talk to Mona about. I decided to just keep that asides for now because I know me and I won't be able to fully commit to such until I have the ability to really BE with my love. Might be selfish of me but it is what it is. I still trust her though with my heart regardless of what I have dreamt or what was in the past. Things are going great between us (her words) and I'm really enjoying it and because of that I woke up and put myself in a good mood just for her. Hope everyone that reads this has a great day! Even though I think I only have 1 reader and thats my Mona Lisa lol.

Nightmares

So I dozed off for a little bit and woke up pissed as fuck. I've been having an awkward feeling toward certain people on twitter that converse with Mona. Last time around that same feeling proved right and it hurt beyond belief. I pray history does not repeat itself. Even though this may be my own insecurities. I still love that damn woman and if I want to ever learn to fully trust 100% then I need to not put myself in situations that provoke such thoughts. I'll talk to her tomorrow about it but this is seriously a HUGE step for an extremely jealous person like myself. Maybe I should sleep on it and see if I'm really ready to make such a commitment like stay off of her twitter and such. I do believe she wouldn't/ isn't doing anything disrespectful or unfaithful to me and our loving relationship but again the past can never be forgotten, but forgiven. I'm I wrong for wanting to hear her voice all the time? Am I wrong for being so protective of someone I love and cherish in my life because she makes me happy? Am I wrong from genuinely smiling and feeling warm from such simple yet impact full words "I love you papi"? I having iffy dreams that make me doubt myself on wether I'm good enough for the one I love. Fuck, I hate nightmares!

Best Comedy on TV!

Ignore My Last Post

I'm over whatever it was I was thinking last night...I'm a fool for even saying such things.

Maybe I'm trippin..

Maybe I'm trippin but sometimes I don't feel like Mona wants me as bad I I want her. I try to be Mr. Optimistic by saying its bad timing, but it feels like EVERY TIME is bad timing for her. Still yet to do any type of FaceTime when I was told it'll be all the time/ whenever I want. Sex is basically nonexistent. I'm doing my fucking best to remain as cool as possible and TRYING (trust me, I am trying my ass off) to stay patient and not over react. I love her deeply and I know she loves me but sometimes I honestly feel like she isn't attracted to me or really her type. I'm seriously pretty far from the opposite. I'm most like thinking in to this too much but whatever. That's how I feel because that's how she makes me feel at times. I can't help that. Irritated. Frustrated. Suffocated by my own thoughts and insecurities on wether I'm ever desired by the woman I'm heavily in love with. Fuck what I feel though...good night...

AHHHHH!!!!!!

HORNY AS FUCK!!!!!!

ALL HAIL THE KING!

My Kiddos!

I've grown so close to these kids in just a spans of a year. I'll kill for these girls & love them to death. They helped pick me up from a rough break up with joy and actual interest in my life and what goes on it. Believe it or not, they know things not even my parents or even Von does about my life. Their mother is also a person I would love to stay life long friends with and is great at what she does. James is missing in this pic with his little bad ass but he's just as awesome as his older sisters.



(left: Katie, middle: Annie, right: Jocelyn better known as "Ochie")

Disrespect

I originally wanted to just give a huge shoutout to my marvelous girlfriend but this leads in to a topic of disrespect. Apparently this kid (whose name I refuse to give acknowledgement) decides to play games on twitter. I appreciate Mona for letting me know what's going on and that there was nothing actually happening but that doesn't mean he's not pushing buttons. He clearly lacks respect for relationships in general, let alone Mona (and I hope she understands that). Either way I told Mona thank you and she holds my trust as well as my heart in her hands. I feel Mona has the integrity to honor and cherish what we have because I do my best to show her how much I love her with every breath I take. Everyday that I have ever been with the girl of my dreams, I say good morning wether I'm happy, sad, disappointed or mad. I do have 1 regret though. And that's telling her about the AMAZING dream I ha of her last night (I'll leave it at that lol). But I'm done with the kid that lacks utter respect for myself and Mona nor does he understand that his time has passed. She doesn't deserve someone as irresponsible, immature, self-centered and disloyal as him. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm a MAN and that's what she needs. I don't try to get close to a child to get in the mothers pants and disappear after playing games. Diego is great but he's only a child and impressionable. That's the ultimate disrespect and I refuse to ever do anything even close to such actions. That's why I never try and force myself upon him and allow any attachment to only go as far as Mona allows because I understand that is her true heart and soul. I never wanna hurt her in such a way. Enough about the ignorant kid that thinks he's grown and still plays games. I'll end this blog on a good note. If you are single and have an ex you truly miss. It's best to show you care by leaving them alone and wishing them the best. After all, you do want to see them happy. I was once in this position myself, but God blessed me with the opportunity of bringing the one that got away back to me along with her son. She can have all the baggage in the world for all I care and I will be there to help carry it with open arms. Love isn't something to play with so I give my all. Good night & God bless

Confused

I had a really good dream of Mona until I woke up. I have questions that confuse the hell out of me right now...

GUESS WHO'S BACK?!

Guess who's back in my life? No...(not Ardis for those I've known since high school -___- ) it's actually the only other person I've let my guard down to love, Mona.Yes I wrote a semi bitter & angry blog last time she was mentioned, but you have to understand that I was deeply hurt by how it ended and what happened after (I won't quite elaborate because that's more personal than even I feel comfortable with to explain). And I was extremely hesitant on trying things out again because I usually do NOT give 2nd chances but my heart never told me not to with her. So yes, me & Mona are dating again & my love for her is almost as strong as it was the first time around. But this time I did have some demands. 1. SHe HAS to come see me and no flaking or I'm done. 2. Birthday, Xmas, anniversary gifts are a must. 3. No repeat incidents of what caused our issues. Minus very minor tweets, everything has been pretty smooth. I love her so much. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fool for doing so, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I put my faith in her and trust her to not let me down now. Mona is nothing less than amazing and still incredibly gorgeous. (when I say incredibly gorgeous, I mean this is the most beautifully stunning woman I've ever laid my eyes on...seriously) she's 5'2
And 117 lbs of SEXY! I would do anything for this girl including her funny & awesome 5 year old son Diego. Yes I'm sexually frustrated because it's been a VERY long time since I've last had sex (I won't say how long because it's embarrassing lol) but Mona tells me she will be the one to fix that very soon and I can NOT wait! She's lagging on FaceTime calling -___- but she's been able to make it up (for now lol). But I've come to remember why I call her Mona Lisa and that's because her imperfections make her perfectly beautiful and there's not many imperfections. I'm happy where I am in life right now and I feel blessed to have her back and truly mine.

Memories

Toy Collecting

New hobby since I retired from shoes...there's A LOT more NOT in this picture